What’s Missing from Your I-DON’T-DO List?
He wanted a free session; not based on his ability to pay but because of his years of experience in our mutual field. “No” I said, I do not give my talents away.”
This is on my I-don’t-do-list.
She cancelled sessions twice at the last minute, and now wanted to schedule a third. “No” I said, “I do not deal with clients who create chaos.”
This too is on my I-don’t-do-list.
She felt my teachings on self empowerment were a bit radical and wanted me to tone things down if we were going to continue to work together. “No” I said, “my message is delivered the way I see best.”
Allowing someone else to tell me what to do so they can feel comfortable, well that’s on my I-don’t-do-list, also.
Many times we think it is our to-do list, and what we can accomplish that defines who we are. But that’s only partial truth. Your TA-DA list (I like that so much better than to-do) is simply a declaration of what you want to focus on.
If you can move through it in an empowering way, then your TA-DA list highlights your strengths, talents and abilities.
But how do you Honor yourself? What about your values? Your character? This can all be found on your I-don’t-do-list.
This is the list that highlights your boundaries, your rules and your expectations, for others as well as yourself.
Many times my clients tell me that they feel like they can no longer trust themselves. They think it is a result of all the goals they have set and then failed to act upon.
But there is a way to break trust with you that cuts deeper and is even more insidious than failing to achieve. And that is allowing others to violate your I-don’t-do-list.
But it’s not your fault. We’ve all been conditioned to do and give for others, sometimes to the detriment of ourselves (#5 below gives great insight to why you do what you do).
Let’s get started now and begin to rebuild the trust and integrity within you.
Your 5 Steps to Success
1. I’m going to give you some life categories. Think back over the last 12 months to a specific experience in each area that caused you to feel hurt, upset, angry, sad or any other negative emotion (it can be easier for you if you write these experiences down):
Contribution (this is how you give back to others. it can be the local non-profit, your kids school, church, etc)
2. Now think back to that time and ask yourself, “What could I have done differently for MY benefit in the situation?” Many times, after a situation, we ruminate on what happened, spending valuable time thinking of what we would do, say, or think differently if the scene were to play out again. Well, here’s your chance, write down 1 action you would take differently for each of the areas in step 1.
3. Take your actions and write them down in a way that draws clear boundaries for you if you should ever find yourself in the negative situation again. Remember, this is not about lashing out at someone; instead it is putting into place very clear expectations about how you will be treated, honored and respected.
4. How have you let yourself down? Procrastination, allowing the options of others to define what you do/did, telling your story over and over again but not taking the steps to make anything better?
This deals with experiences and situations where you were the person who took advantage…of you! Now follow steps 2 and 3, and raise your expectations for yourself.
5. WHY would you allow other’s (and yourself) to continue to hurt/hold you back? Remember what I said earlier; it’s not your fault. You’ve been conditioned (usually as a kid) to experience one of these 6 fears:
#1 Fear of Being Wrong (no, really, trust me on this…)
#2 Fear of the Uncertain (this is for all of you control freaks)
#3 Fear of Not Being Needed (you’ll give it all away and then some)
#4 Fear of Being a Victim (so you take everything to be all about you…all the time)
#5 Fear of Not Being Special (how many ways can you get negative attention)
#6 Fear of Not Being Liked (please, please see me)
Bad news; this fear is NOT going to go away, it’s a part of you!
GREAT News; fear is simply energy that can be converted into the extra boost you need to be your best.
So, when you allow others (and yourself) to violate your I-DON’T-DO list, you are simply reinforcing your previous conditioning. And anything that has been learned can be re-learned!
Start your re-learning now; leave me a comment and tell me: What’s on Your I-don’t-do-list?